All Quotes by Tucker Max
“My parents got divorced when I was around a year old. My dad was essentially a nonentity in my life until I got to be about 16 or so. My mom was a flight attendant for PanAm, so I moved all over the world. London, Rio de Janeiro.”
“If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program.”
“I turned down $2 million for this script. There's absolutely no way that had I filmed the script through a major studio they would have done anything but fuck this movie up. They would have cut all the balls off the comedy, they would have put Seth Rogen and Dane Cook in it, they would have changed Tucker to make him fall in love, and all this stupid shit that would have driven me up a fucking wall.”
“I try to make them understand it's not about getting pussy, it's about having fun. It's not about getting drunk, it's about being with your friends. It's not about dishing out put downs, it's about the thrill that comes with improving a witty line. It's not about being an asshole, it's about refusing to let others define your life. It's ultimately about being the person you want to be, and all the manic happiness that comes with that.”
“Redheadedcalin doll: Doll comes with an innocent smile. Pull her string and doesn't speak, she just opens her legs.”
“I gave her an unmistakable "I want to fuck you" look, she shot me back a quick "My spine hurts" face, and I was smitten.”
“EEK EEK EEK!! That's dolphin for 'I'm sorry.' But you already knew that..”
“Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?”
“Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee?Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!”
“Nose full of fart, mouth full of cock, she never even paused.”
“I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.”
“You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.”
“What are you looking for, McSeaBass? Its been the same menu for 40 years. Its all McShit. Just fucking order!”
“9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.'”
“KJ: Jesus Christ, you are amazing. Where did you learn to fuck like that? TM: Home schooling.”
“...and that we were now those guys...who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.”
“Great Holy Jesus--it looks like he fell into Kentucky Fried Movie.”
“I was very thirsty. Laying in the bathtub, looking up at the faucet, I thought of a great idea. So I turned the nozzle on full blast, and put my mouth up to it. It was like drinking from a firehose, but I was too drunk and dehydrated to notice that I was getting completely soaked, or that water was shooting out of my nose.”
“I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom.”
“I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.”
“We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.”
“Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?”
“Tucker: Are you married?Tucker: Well, do you have any hot friends who aren't fucking prudes? Hey--where are you going? I was only kidding! I respect the sanctity of the monogamous relationship! WHORE!”
“Tucker: WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?Janitor: AYA, AYA!”
“Tucker: I understand how female porn stars are selected, but if you are guy, and you don't have a huge cock or shoot 8-ropers, how do you get into the porn industry?Tucker: Well isn't that pleasant? I bet your parents are beaming with pride.”
“Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls!Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.”
“Every girl asked me, "What makes you god's gift to women?" Some answers:Bend over and I'll show you.”
“The Academy should give Caitlin a fucking Oscar. She delivered her scripted lines perfectly, even improvising beautifully with the "Uncle Tucker" bit. And I should get an award for choreography or something.”
“A girl said this to me last night:She said it to me as we were laying in bed, having just fucked three times. That was two hours after I met her.”
“Here’s to the people we’ve met, Then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE’S TO ME!”
“My parents got divorced when I was around a year old. My dad was essentially a nonentity in my life until I got to be about 16 or so. My mom was a flight attendant for PanAm, so I moved all over the world. London, Rio de Janeiro.”