All Quotes by Art Buchwald
“Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.”
“I like champagne—because it always tastes like my foot's asleep.”
“A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.”
“The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.”
“Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new...program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.”
“People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.”
“You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.”
“Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope."”
“If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.”
“People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even." … For me, being funny is the best revenge.”
“Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.”
“Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.”
“I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies.”
“Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.”
“Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.”
“This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.”
“Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.”