All Quotes by Bill Engvall
“[playing golf with his friends]”
“[about "TV golfers" who try to help other people out]”
“I might've tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollerin' at his buddies, "Whoo! Whoa, check me out, dudes! Whoo, that ground is coming up..."—BAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right, dude– you're up."”
“[about an incident in a coffee shop]”
“[during a bit about dogs]”
“[about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]”
“[watching a baseball game in Los Angeles]”
“There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing somebody for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.”
“My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.”
“I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."”
“[while snow-skiing with his family]”
“[about his son Travis]”
“[about magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying]”
“Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.”
“I joke about it, fellas, but I tell ya, she runs that house. Good Lord. [Several female audience members cheer] Yeah, I know. I know. And if you're a married guy, I ain't telling you nothing you don't already know. But if you're single, and you're thinking about getting married, listen up. You ain't never gonna win the argument. Yeah. If guys were a sports team, we'd be 0-fer.”
“I love Slim-Jims so much, I once called their hotline. I swear to God. I told them, "I got your next billion-dollar idea." And the lady on the other end goes, "Oh, do tell." I said, "Alright. Men love beer and Slim-Jims. So, what you need to do, is drill a hole in the middle of that Slim-Jim...so we can suck beer through it and take a bite of Slim Jim! [Audience cheers] Yeah. GENIUS!...She hung up on me.”
“(Talking about what he wants at his funeral)”
“(mimicking a big fish talking to a little fish)”
“(mimicking a fish's gills wither side of his neck) "Hey..." (cracks) You paid to see it... "hey... Ever eaten a worm?" (2nd fish) "What? When did you ever eat a worm?" "Oh, one day, me and my buddy were laying on the bank... trying to catch our breath..." - thank you, for those of you who got that...”
“[after watching the food teasing scene in "9 1/2 Weeks"]”
“Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.”
“[his plan to prevent potential boyfriends from taking advantage of his daughter]”
“Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.”
“Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.”
“[about trampolines]”
“[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.”
“Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem. Sometimes her questions actually make sense. I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.”
“Men have three basic needs: Eating, sleeping, sex. That's it.”
“[Talking about the difference between the first and twentieth year of marriage] Remember that first year of marriage, you used to argue just so you could make up and have sex? Twenty years later, you're arguing just so they'll sleep in the other room.”
“[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]”
“You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".”
“A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!”
“[after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin]”
“[about how he and his wife can't go out on a date, since they're married]”
“[playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends]”
“[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]”
“We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"”
“[having been recognized by a woman in a diner]”
“I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."”
“His explanation for the "signs"”
“Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.”
“On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.”
“Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.”
“Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.”
“Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.”
“Engvall and his buddy get off a boat with a big string of bass.”
“Engvall has an elk hung on the wall.”
“Engvall is in an office elevator going up.”
“in the lost luggage office in Buffalo”
“Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him.”
“In the store, Bill is buying some pants.”
“Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.”
“A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.”
“Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.”
“Jeff Foxworthy is having his house repainted and he has a piano in the corner”
“Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas and is talking to the flight attendant.”
“Larry's grandmother has died at age 104”
“As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:”
“at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano.”
“at the beach”