Craig Ferguson

“I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.”

“Ros was dead.”

“I realized women and humor were linked very closely.”

“Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.”

“I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.”

“Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.”

“In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.”

“I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.”

“Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!”

“He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him.”

“As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!”

“You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.”

“Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!”

“I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing [sic] me.”

“He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.”

“That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.”

“I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.”

“Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!”

“Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.”

“I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.”

“Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.”

“Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.”

“[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.”

“Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there.”

“Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy?Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week.”

“I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.”

“[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!”

“[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!”

“[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back.”

“[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]”

“[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera.”

“Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.”

“I can't live by your rules, man!”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.”

“[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!”

“It's a great day for America, everybody.”

“Remind you of anyone?”

“[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?”

“Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.”

“I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.”

“It's a JOKE!”

“[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters...”

“[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name.”

“It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment].”

“...or is it?”

“...best night of my life.”

“[referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies.”

“[with a fist-shake] Take that, ____.”

“By the way, there's a place on Hollywood Boulevard where you can get a _____ for twenty bucks.”

“By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under.”

“By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times.”

“Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.”

“Welcome back, my filthy pigeons.”

“Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]”

“Welcome back, my naughty donkeys.”

“Welcome back, my naughty penguins.”

“Welcome back, my frisky badgers”

“Welcome back to the big show where (at this point, he references something from earlier in the show)”

“Do what you love, and what you're proud of, and you're fuckin' bulletproof. You're fuckin' bulletproof. If you do what you absolutely believe to be right, then you're fuckin' bulletproof.”

“Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of “what if” when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.”

“They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.”

“It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.”

“The Universe is very, very big.”

“I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.”

“Twas the night before Thanksgiving.”