Jay Leno
stand-up comedian, actor, screenwriter, journalist, television presenter, singer, dancer, voice actor, comedian, television actor, YouTuber, television producer, writer
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All Quotes by Jay Leno
“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”
“106 [degrees] in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.”
“I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".”
“How many watched the President's speech last night? Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.”
“So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh— meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?".”
“A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. […] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.”
“And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.”
“Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.”
“Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job… which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job.”
“Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.”
“Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…”
“No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages.”
“Fred, what happened to your ass?" "Oh, the fat guy at the office sneezed on me.”
“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.”
“I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.”
“How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest. [cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up? [more cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up? [more applause]”
“[about the Chicago Cubs being swept by the L.A. Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS]: How about next year, we only let the Cubs play using steroids?”
“Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".”
“Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home.”
“And as you know, this whole Hillary e-mail scandal brought Anthony Wiener back into the news. Now here's a question nobody has asked. Anthony Wiener is Jewish, right? Right? So does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Wiener?”
“The economy is so bad, two Milwaukee men were arrested this week for trying to join ISIS. Did you hear their excuse, they said, "Hey! Nobody else is hiring!" THAT'S how bad it is!”
“The economy is so bad, I saw Matthew McConaughey talking to himself in a Kia! THAT'S how bad it is!”
“Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.”
“French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.”
“"This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.”
“Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. … They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years”
“In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.”
“Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.”
“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.”
“You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.”
“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”
“Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?”
“In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.”
“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.”
“The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.”
“You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”
“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”
“The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.”
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.”
“More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.”
“Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”
“For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!”
“Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.”
“Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.”
“According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.”
“The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.”
“I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'”
“CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”
“People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.”
“The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.”
“The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.”
“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”
“If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”
“I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'”
“I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.”
“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”
“If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.”
“Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.”
“If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.”
“My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?”
“If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.”
“Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.”
“Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.”
“Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.”
“I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.”
“You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.”
“You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.”
“Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.”
“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”
“You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.”
“The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.”
“Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.”
“Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.”
“Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”