Kyle Cease

“The best part of Nintendo was the codes. We had codes that got us to the end of the game immediately. Why can’t we have that in real life? Just for once I’d like to be on a date with a chick and when she starts talking about her cats, and she’s like “And this cat likes corn, and this one has diarrhea, and this one can fight crime,” I can be like, “Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, select start, and I’m in bed with her, and no more cats.””

“So it’s so nice to perform in an actual city, usually I do a lot of colleges on the road and it’s crazy. They always put these colleges in the middle of nowhere, do you notice that? They always put the colleges in the middle of nowhere and they tell these kids, “Don’t drink and don’t do drugs and don’t have sex”, and they make it so they have to, it’s like your choices are Wal-Mart or Susie and it’s like “Mmmm, well, both are always open.” Like a vagina, like a vagina.”

“I hate whenever you go into a coffee shop, no matter what you order they have their own way of calling it to the back. Like you could be like, “Hi, I’ll have a tall mocha iced latte blended fun.” And then the lady’s like, “BLEEUH!, anything else?””

“I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot and I couldn’t tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not, and I realized I’ve never had that dilemma before. I’ve always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan. AAAHHHH.”

““Yes, this is Diane calling from the hospital. I just called to tell you that your ex-girlfriend Mia was killed today. She was helping retards and one of them exploded.” And i thought that was so hysterical. and then he calls me up later and is like, “do you think this is true?” “yes, craig. exploding retards is a huge epidemic in our country.””

“HAVE FUN DRINKING THE KOOL AID IN YOUR CULT.”