Sam Kinison

“Here's my man! It doesn't have to stay out and party with his guys!" "Here, let me see that...It doesn't seem to be able to pick up the fucking check, does it?”

“I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?”

“"They beat us, they beat us, they made us do their BLOW!”

“Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid. Well, now I'm ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus, and...hey? Hey, what's this? Oh, God it feels like a man's DICK IN MY ASS! Oh, GOD!!! I'M DEAD!!! Oh, you mean life keeps on fucking you even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends! OH! OHHH!!!”

“Jesus' Wife: "And where have YOU been for the past three days, Mr. Winemaker?" Jesus Christ: "It's okay, I'll tell you...Not that's important or anything, but I was DEAD!!! I'M IN A FUCKIN' GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I'M FIGHTIN' DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE! I'M CHANGIN' SPIRITUAL FORM, ABOUT TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO "WAIT A SECOND! I GOTTA GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!"”

“Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or somethin: "OH GOD, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, OHHH," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".”

“We don't WANT to drink and drive ... But there's no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!!”

“[Rock Hudson] was on his deathbed, going, "It was that last fucking dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before--dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem--IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!"”

“I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! Hell would be like Club Med!”

“How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?”

“There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"”

“The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times....bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice....so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going....YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YET, DO YOU?!....YOU HAVEN'T SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP MY ASS YET!....MY HEAD'S STILL ON MY TORSO!!....I'M GLAD YOU FUCKERS CAN HANDLE YOUR HIGH!”

“YOU LYING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!”

“Today we're going to try and say his name...OH! OHHH! Can you even say a part of his name--OH! OHHH!"”

“You'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK, you'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going, "you know, it doesn't get much better than this, doesn't it? President of the United States, dick in Marilyn Monroe, my finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS!”

“The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring back our fuckin' FLAG, asshole! Show us some moon rocks, or kiss this.”

“[On the Kurds] They're the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks!”

“[On Iraq] These have got to be the most stupid people on the planet. "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's have a war with the number one military power on the planet!" But we did have to face... their weapon of death. The Scud missile. If K-Mart were a weapon's dealer, they would make: the Scud missile. But it's kind of like a smart bomb. You just fire it out of the trunk of your car... and then turn on CNN to see where it landed! So it's kind of like a smart bomb!”

“[On the Gulf War] The ground war lasted 100 hours. A hundred fuckin' hours. I've had parties go on longer than that, folks!”