Welcome to Night Vale

“All hail the mighty glow cloud.”

“Look, I’ve probably said too much. I can see down the hall that an envelope just came flying out. I pray it’s not another HR retraining session in the Dark Box. Uugh!”

“Your daily shades of the sky forecast:”

“[in apprehensive voice] Hello, radio audience. I come to you live, from under my desk… where I have dragged my microphone and am currently in the fetal position.”

“Our top story. Last night, our PTA meeting ended in bloodshed.”

“The noisy portal and subsequent dinosaur attack that brutally interrupted the discussion about swing sets on the playground...”

“Night Vale is an ancient place. Full of history and secrets, as we were reminded today. But it is also a place of the present moment, full of life, and of us. If you can hear my voice, speaking live, then you know. We are not history yet. We are happening now. How miraculous is that?”

“Close your eyes. Let my words wash over you. You are safe now. Welcome to Night Vale.”

“Sandero could not be reached for comment. Probably. We didn't try.”

“It has occurred to me that I may be the only one able to see it. Now that I think about it, I have also never bothered to check whether this mic is actually attached to any sort of recording or broadcasting device. And it is possible that I am alone in an empty universe, speaking to no one, unaware that the world is held aloft merely by my delusions and my smooth sonorous voice.”

“Update on the green market situation from earlier in our broadcast: Everything is exactly the same as when we last reported on it. There is no new information.”

“The Night Vale School District has announced some changes to the elementary school curriculum. They are as follows:”

“The moon’s weird though, right? It’s there, and there, and then suddenly it’s not. And it seems to be pretty far up. Is it watching us? If not, what is it watching instead? Is there something more interesting than us? Hey, watch us moon! We may not always be the best show in the universe, but we try.”

“We do not have answers. I am not certain we even have questions.”

“The Night Vale Tourism Board asks that whoever is telepathically assaulting the tourists please stop.”

“So please watch for working crews this weekend, lower your speed, and don’t forget to tip the DPS shift leaders. 20% of your current mileage is standard. Lack of tipping is the leading cause of sinkholes in the U.S.”

“The School Board says that school shootings can only get in the way of a quality education.”

“Silence is golden. Words are vibrations. Thoughts are magic. Welcome to Night Vale.”

“There are many things I wish I could remember.”

“Superintendent Ford offered the following statement of support for the newest school board member: "All hail! Kneel for the Glow Cloud. Sacrifice. Pestilence. Sores. All hail the Glow Cloud!””

“And now a word from our sponsor: Step in to your nearest Subway restaurant today, and try their new six-inch mashed potato sub. Top it with a delicious assortment of fresh vegetables, like french fries and Nutella. They'll even toast or poach it for you.”

“A life of pain is the pain of life, and you can never escape it.”

“I will place within some of you questions. Within others, I will place answers. These questions and these answers will not always align. The questions I provide may have no answers, and the answers I provide may have no questions.”

“Death will be the last action you undertake.”

“Stay tuned now for an hour of dead air, with the occasional hiss and crackle.”

“Regret nothing, until it is too late. Then, regret everything. Welcome to Night Vale.”

“Also be warned that penalties for overdue library books has skyrocketed to 50 cents per day, and, after 30 days, jaw mutilation.”

“Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.”

“We have nothing to fear except ourselves. We are unholy, awful people.”

“Stay tuned for the popular advice program Dr. Brandon. This week, Dr. Brandon offers a step-by-step on how to remove your own appendix without surgery.”

“[series of beeps, clicks and other strange mechanical noises] [in strained voice] Oh dear. [static in background] I apologize, listeners. We at Night Vale Community Radio are experiencing the following technical problems: the need for air, eye movement, and gooey stuff inside. Please… stand by. [long mechanical beep]”

“Thursday night, the City Council is voting on a new measure that would prohibit breathing as an involuntary muscular action. Historically, the human body has been able to control breathing without the brain having to continuously activate the diaphragm. Under the new rule, all residents of Night Vale would be required to make the physical choice of whether or not (and when) to breathe.”

“Dear listeners. Just my voice travelling from this microphone, travelling silent and immediate across sleepy homes and lost souls to your ears. You curl under a blanket, protecting your body from the world, excepting a few clever spiders. And you are listening. Hearing me.”

“Stay tuned now for our two-hour special: "Car Alarms and their Variations", brought to you commercial-free by Canada Dry.”

“"This is a story about you," said the man on the radio. And you are pleased, because you always wanted to hear about yourself on the radio. Welcome to Night Vale.”

“Some mysteries aren't questions to be answered, but just a kind of opaque fact. A thing which exists to be not known.”

“This year's keynote speaker is an audio tape of droning moans leaden with subliminal tips about acheiving personal prosperity.”

“Today's program has been sponsored by the physical act of gulping. For thousands of years, gulping has been there for human beings when they needed an expressive gesture of the throat. […] Gulp now, and receive a complimentary prize package, which will be conviently buried in an unmarked spot somewhere in the scrublands. Find it, and it's yours.”

“We're all being monitored almost 24/7. So, they'll probably hear you just fine.”

“Stay tuned for two commercial-free hours of E sharp.”

“Bananas are hardly that slippery. But watch your step anyway.”

“You too have survived. Survived everything up to this moment.”

“Your existence is not impossible. But it's also not very likely.”

“More on this… eventually. Probably.”

“[regarding a two cent increase in the price of postage stamps] It is not enough, apparently, for the Postal Service to violently assault our minds with visions, but they are also intent on bleeding our wallets dry. For shame.”

“Stay tuned next for me saying "Good night, Night Vale. Good night."”

“Here's a look at the community calendar: And Tuesday is hornet-free dining at the Olive Garden.”

“Stay tuned next for an exact word-for-word repeat of this broadcast, that will seem to you imperceptibly but unshakably different, although you will never be able to explain why.”

“Of course the sandstorm was created by the government! The City Council announced that this morning. The government makes no secret that they can control the weather and earthquakes and monitor thoughts and activities. That's the stuff a big government is supposed to do.”

“The police remind us that scientists are comedians and that they should stick to comedy.”

“Stay tuned next for the sound of some helpless thing being eaten.”

“Time is like wax, dripping from a candle flame. In the moment, it is molten and falling, with the capability to transform into any shape. Then the moment passes, and the wax hits the table top and solidifies into the shape it will always be. It becomes the past, a solid single record of what happened, still holding in its wild curves and contours the potential of every shape it could have held.”

“Listeners, stay tuned next for our newest hit program, "Open-Mouthed Chewing".”

“Remember, if confronted by a librarian while looking for a book to check out, do not attempt to escape by climbing a tree. There are no trees in the library. And the precious moments it will take you to look around and realize this, will allow the librarian to strike.”

“Perfection is not real. Perfection is not human. Carlos is not perfect- no, even better- he is imperfect. Everything about him, and us, and all of this is imperfect. And those imperfections in our reality are the seams and cracks into which our outsized love can seep and pool.”

“Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not. We never are. But that’s not the right question. The question is are we living a life that is worth the harm?”

“But listen: it's probably nothing. If we had to shut down for every mysterious event that at least one death could be attributed to, we'd never have time to do anything, right?”

“Remember: if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.”

“The Sheriff’s Secret Police have apparently taken to shouting questions at the Glow Cloud, trying to ascertain what exactly it wants. So far, the Glow Cloud has not answered.”

“The glow cloud does not need to converse with us. It does not feel as we tiny humans feel. It has no need for thoughts or feelings of love. The glow cloud simply is.”