Jeff Foxworthy
comedian, writer, songwriter, children's writer, voice actor, screenwriter, actor
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All Quotes by Jeff Foxworthy
“I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.”
“If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.”
“My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.”
“Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.”
“We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.”
“I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.”
“Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.”
“People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."”
“Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.”
“You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"”
“I think {the designated driver program} is a great idea, because anything is safer than the way we used to do it: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"...The only problem with the designated driver program {is} it's not the world's most desirable job...But if you ever get talked into doing it, have fun with the group. Like at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard or something.”
“[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."”
“If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.”
“On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.”
“[On why criminals rob nice-looking houses] You come up on a house where the grass is this tall, and there's a dog chained to the clothesline, and a motor swinging in the tree, buddy, that's a house where a gun lives! And you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.”
“You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.”
“[what men are thinking] I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.”
“Women [in bed] are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like...bottle rockets.”
“A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.”
“(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!”
“If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.”
“If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.”
“Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNA's all the same and there's no dental records.”
“I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.”
“Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.”
“My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!”
“I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”
“[about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]”
“[about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change]”
“It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did...My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was like "Oww! What was that for?" She said "I dreamt you were making out with ." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dream, we'll both be happy."”
“You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!”
“[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]”
“My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!”
“You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.”
“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'”
“I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.”