All Quotes by Emo Philips
“You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!”
“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.”
“I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."”
“People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"”
“The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."”
“Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.”
“Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.”
“I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.”
“I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.”
“My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.”
“I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"”
“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”
“When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
“So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.”
“A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."”
“I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.”
“When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.”
“I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.”
“People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”
“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”
“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”
“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”
“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.”
“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”
“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”
“Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.”
“I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.”
“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"”
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
“I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
“New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.”
“People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.”
“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..”
“My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...”
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
“You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.”