All Quotes by Paula Poundstone
“I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.”
“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.”
“I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.”
“It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.”
“I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.”
“I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.”
“I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.”
“I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.”
“I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase "family values" and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?”
“I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.”
“They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.”
“I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.”
“I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.”